Stephanie (wondrous2) wrote,

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Dissociation on Top of All Things

I go back to work on Monday. My leave was approved, which took some of the stress away. Late Thursday night (more like early Friday morning) I had a bit of a breakdown, which set me back. My dissociative disorder is running rampant again - actually, it never stopped. :-( The reason why I haven't fully processed those memories I used with EMDR is because I dissociated. I have to stabilize and then begin working with EMDR again. Not surprisingly, I have to re-process those memories because none of them really processed the first time. Damn dissociation. I wonder if my former therapist could have seen this...

I already knew that there's a long road of healing and recovery ahead of me, but it will be longer than I had previously thought. I took a leave so I could sort things out and come up with a plan. The odds are against me here. My job is ridiculous and there's a lot of bullshit I have to put up with for basically minimum wage. I don't make enough money to move out of my mom's apartment. The apartment is small and horrible (my landlord would be considered a slumlord). My mom is mentally ill and I just can't deal with that. I have my own personal issues and dealing with hers is waaay too much work, especially since she refuses to think that something's definitely wrong with her. On top of all this, I don't have a support system. My friends ignore my PTSD and depression and other people would tell me to "suck it up."

I had PTSD almost all of my life, so I will be in therapy for years because of that. Mine started in childhood and I grew up with it, so I am unable to function and take care of myself as an adult - I have to learn how to do that. I've suffered with depression ever since I was a child. My depression has evolved and now I contemplate suicide. To top it all off, I'm highly dissociative. I dissociate so much that I can't even heal. I have been trying so hard to work on the PTSD and the depression, which is extremely difficult, and now I have to deal with the dissociation before I deal with anything else. I don't have the strength for this. I know I don't. I don't even want to try anymore.

I'm not going to make it the next six months. I can't see myself living that long. If I do, it's because I have dissociated into oblivion. At that point I'm basically dead anyway. I have two appointments with my therapist this week. I'm going to cancel the second one, and maybe tomorrow will be my last appointment with her. I don't think the pain and agony of treatment will be worth it... especially since the odds are against me.
Tags: apathy, dissociation, emdr, life, mi, turning point
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