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Wondrous Beauty
Living From Within
My Sanctuary, LJ! 
6th-May-2006 11:47 pm
Water angel
Okay. I am now home from school (which I ended up withdrawing from anyway). Home with my parents is where the hell is. My school is in Indiana and I live in Illinois so my dad had to come get me and that's a 4hr. drive. For the record, it's very easy for me to automatically become suicidal when I'm near my dad (that's a long story). In the car he was telling me how he was disappointed that I decided to leave school and he continued to tell me that I don't need meds or therapy. He says that I need to face reality and get over my "depression." It really hurts when someone refuses to understand that major depressive disorder is an actual mental illness and one can't just snap out of it. He really doesn't think that I get suicidal or that I have bad panic attacks. He really is a horrible person. He thinks that I make things up and exaggerate my feelings just to get attention. If he found out that I am a cutter, then he would probably start beating me again. He really just can't accept me for who I am. I have dreams and aspirations, but he often ignores them and says that they're bullshit and meaningless. Seriously, he wouldn't be happy with me if I was a doctor or an employee at McDonalds. He just likes to pick on me because I'm very vulnerable. That bastard has his own problems and he loves to try to tear me down and make me feel bad since he can't handle his own flaws. Over a year ago I felt homicidal and planned out how I was gonna kill him. I told him about that in an argument that we had and he thought that I was being weak and petty. For me, being homicidal is scarier than being suicidal. If I actually ended up killing my father, it would be outta self-defense, built up anger, and losing control. I'd go crazy if I felt the need to kill him and end up doing it. I don't like feeling like I'm going crazy. Urg! I seriously need to get away from him.
Comments 
8th-May-2006 08:14 am (UTC)
that REALLY sucks.
8th-May-2006 11:28 pm (UTC)
Hi, I am Annie from the depression group.

I totally understand what you are talking about. Sounds like what my mom tells me every time I see or call her. It's awful, any and all the put-downs she can come up with she lays on me, including telling me that I am making up my whole major depression thing, and that I am worth nothing unless I can measure up to my sister. She thinks its all a joke and something that really doesn't make any difference anyway.

As far as school goes, that will happen but in time. I went to college, it took me over 10 years to finally get a 4 year degree. The first school I went to I was academically dismissed because of lack of concentration, later diagnosed as ADD. It was my 3rd school I went to when I finally graduated, and mom didn't believe that I got a BA until I showed it to her.
Anyway, this became a book, and I hope you are able to be ok while with your parents.
*HUGS*

Annie
11th-May-2006 01:19 am (UTC)
That gives me hope that you got your degree no matter what. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be the person I try to be...me. I love school, but it's just hard right now. Cool, you wrote a book? I plan to do that :)
12th-May-2006 04:44 pm (UTC)
I'm really sorry that you decided to withdraw from school. Not like it shouldn't be your decision. It 100% should be. I was just curious why you didn't use school as a get away from home? That's what school was for me, I almost feel like the only things I was/am good at was school because I was happy at school, even as a child. I loved school because it meant I didn't have to be home (my ex-step father was abusive). I even got picked on at school, but it wasn't like it was at home.

And, I'm curious what you do do to get away, what ways you have found to cope, escape.

I know I'm a stranger, but would you talk to me about it, if you could?

AIM me if you'd like: LordIlapalazzo
My school email williaa@purdue.edu.
12th-May-2006 04:48 pm (UTC)
Of course I'll talk to you. I'll email ya...
14th-May-2006 10:46 am (UTC) - Shooooot
williaae@purdue.edu
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