Stephanie (wondrous2) wrote,

My Sanctuary, LJ!

Okay. I am now home from school (which I ended up withdrawing from anyway). Home with my parents is where the hell is. My school is in Indiana and I live in Illinois so my dad had to come get me and that's a 4hr. drive. For the record, it's very easy for me to automatically become suicidal when I'm near my dad (that's a long story). In the car he was telling me how he was disappointed that I decided to leave school and he continued to tell me that I don't need meds or therapy. He says that I need to face reality and get over my "depression." It really hurts when someone refuses to understand that major depressive disorder is an actual mental illness and one can't just snap out of it. He really doesn't think that I get suicidal or that I have bad panic attacks. He really is a horrible person. He thinks that I make things up and exaggerate my feelings just to get attention. If he found out that I am a cutter, then he would probably start beating me again. He really just can't accept me for who I am. I have dreams and aspirations, but he often ignores them and says that they're bullshit and meaningless. Seriously, he wouldn't be happy with me if I was a doctor or an employee at McDonalds. He just likes to pick on me because I'm very vulnerable. That bastard has his own problems and he loves to try to tear me down and make me feel bad since he can't handle his own flaws. Over a year ago I felt homicidal and planned out how I was gonna kill him. I told him about that in an argument that we had and he thought that I was being weak and petty. For me, being homicidal is scarier than being suicidal. If I actually ended up killing my father, it would be outta self-defense, built up anger, and losing control. I'd go crazy if I felt the need to kill him and end up doing it. I don't like feeling like I'm going crazy. Urg! I seriously need to get away from him.
Tags: anger, anxiety, depression, family
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