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Wondrous Beauty
Living From Within
20th-Oct-2008 12:29 pm
EA suffering
I've been rather stressed lately. I care not to list the reasons why at the moment since I'm tired and I'm pressing for time right now (still no damn internet at my house, and the computer time at the library is timed). I think I'm becoming depressed again. I'm trying hard to fight it, though. I just can't endure another episode, especially not now. Thoughts about suicide cross my mind every now and then, but I quickly turn them away. It really sucks, especially when I'm not trying to think about it. Great, like this song I'm listening to: The Art of Suicide by Emilie Autumn.
20th-Oct-2008 05:53 pm (UTC)

For me, the really scary thing about having been depressed is that it might happen again. Indeed, statistically speaking, it almost certainly will happen again. And that makes me afraid and angry because I don't deserve it.

Neither do you -- you are a wonderful person, kind, hopeful, and passionate -- and it sucks that sometimes depression preys on you. I hope that the stress that's making you feel bad passes soon. Please know that you're not alone.

[[another hug]]
20th-Oct-2008 06:08 pm (UTC)
Thanks a lot. :-)
The fact that I have a 50% chance of becoming depressed again sucks, and it makes me afraid and angry, too. Actually, it's even higher since I'm already dealing with an anxiety disorder.
*hugs back*
20th-Oct-2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
well its good that you know that you have some early signs of depression, hope you get your internet back :-)
20th-Oct-2008 06:52 pm (UTC)
21st-Oct-2008 06:07 am (UTC)
can you get help? a cheap clinic (perhaps student based?) or medication or something?
i'm sorry you are down, i'll be sending you good energy.
21st-Oct-2008 08:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :-)
I may call a hotline later if I feel it's necessary. They could probably get me some info on a free clinic or something.
21st-Oct-2008 06:20 am (UTC)
do you really think you can go back to that kind of severe place? it is frightening though. for me, for a long time, the suicidal danger and deep depression was kind of like a trauma i had flashbacks to, and i'd burst into tears in public over it. that kind of experience is something that you can never really describe to another person and nobody can ever really know what it was like except you. i was so afraid of it and returning to it. i have slipped back to depression but it's never been as bad as that because i learned too much about it for it to be as bad. i just kind of accepted that it might come back but i know i've dealt with it before and can deal with it again.

i just live with depression now. i have days when i think about nothing but suicide. but i tell myself i'm allowed to plan as much as i like but i'm not allowed to carry out the plans unless everything is great in my life and just the way i would want it to be, like having my own house and a career, because then i would be certain that it's life itself that i have a problem with and not my circumstances. otherwise suicide wouldn't be an appropriate solution, it would be like removing my brain to cure a headache, because life could still be good. so i just keep working on my life to make it better. the rest of the time i just try and get what i can out of life. like appreciating the beauty of a moment. learning something from a book or eating chocolate or a hot shower. or a talk with a friend. there are lots of little things to focus on that are great about life and i find the more i focus on them they kind of add up and keep me going and i look forward to the next one. the bad times might always be there but remembering that there are good things and there can in future be much more of them to outweigh the bad things, can kind of help.

worried about you though. are you taking any medication at the moment? are you looking forward to things? email me whenever you like to marcsmith@y7mail.com i don't know if i could ever be helpful but i'm glad we're friends and i'm always around. xoxox
21st-Oct-2008 06:22 am (UTC)
PS. maybe you are like this - someone told me that as a sensitive person i will always have bad times, that it's just the flipside of being a sensitive person and being able to experience the beauty of the colour on a rose, etc. some people who don't have the sensitivity to feel down never get to experience the beauty, either. x
21st-Oct-2008 08:38 pm (UTC)
No meds at the moment. I can't afford a therapist or anything right now. I may try a free clinic or something, even though I hate those. I'll e-mail ya.
21st-Oct-2008 10:18 am (UTC)
also remember that while you are feeling bad, while you are going through your difficult times you are actually getting closer to happiness, because you are learning about who you are, and working on your relationship with yourself to get through them. xox
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