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Wondrous Beauty
Living From Within
Dealing With My Dad - Two Things to Remember 
1st-Aug-2008 11:07 pm
*When possible, force yourself to distance yourself from someone you believe to be controlling you. Avoid conversations, interactions, mutual interests and friendships/relationships where you are in their presence. Doing so will allow you to gain a more healthy perspective about your life, as well as force you to seek out your own individuality and independence away from this person. Do not provide an explanation to this person for your need for these changes. That will only invoke more attempts at control since they will know what you're up to and their manipulations will prevail. Just make the changes. Remember that the problem of control is theirs and not yours. The goal is to liberate yourself, not fix the problem.

I felt that it would be necessary to tell my dad how I felt about him and that I wanted him out of my life. Still, I want him to know and I want him outta my life, but now that I think about it, I doubt that he'll listen. It'll probably create more problems between us and especially for me. I thought that maybe the consequences would be worth it, but if he doesn't respect my wishes, which I believe he wouldn't, then it would be unnecessary to go through all of that pain and suffering and get no positive results. I had written him a letter, but I haven't quite finished it, and I wanted to think about it more. I don't like ignoring him because it doesn't seem to help, but I guess I'll have to make more of an effort to stay away from him. Maybe on his death-bed I'll tell him how I feel. That sounds shitty, but that's probably the only way he'll sit down and actually listen.

*Set firm boundary lines of what is and isn't acceptable to you when dealing with a controlling person. They will push these limits to test you. Stay firm and don't back down.

I have to remember to set limits, too. I try to, but I eventually let my guard down outta fear. Now that I'm getting really sick of this shit, maybe this will change. It's getting to the point where I'm not so afraid anymore, I'm mostly get pissed and annoyed. Ultimately, I have to think like a survivor, not a victim.

(Deleted comment)
14th-Dec-2008 12:57 pm (UTC)
"The lesson is that with the people who hurt us, cutting off contact without any explanation is best. These people do not have our best interests in mind and only care about themselves and maintaining their fragile egos. Trying to reason with them only adds to the fire and gives them more amo to use against us later. So set your limits, don't apologize, and don't feel guilty for not explaining yourself!"

Well said.

Actually, I have had a friend who I needed to cut all ties with. Her lifestyle and choices had a very negative effect on me. I thought that it would be cowardly to just stop talking to her, too, but then I decided to hang with her less and less until the relationship would fizzle out. Well, that didn't really happen. She ended up breaking ties with me. I'm thankful that she did, although she did it in a pretty shitty way. It hurt a little, but that was nothing compared to how relieved I felt. She was making my life miserable.

Like you said, these toxic people don't have our best interests in mind. I'm very happy that you wrote that, because I've been feeling a bit guilty, and realizing that she was the selfish one (she claimed that I was) makes me feel better. A good friend of mine told me that I was probably feeling guilty because I'm a loyal person, and I felt that I owed it to her, but why give someone the best piece of yourself when all she wants to do is take advantage of it?

As far as my dad goes, I just don't answer the phone when he calls. I'm at a point where I just don't care anymore. I don't even feel antsy or fearful (like I used to) when I don't pick up the phone.

Edited at 2008-12-14 12:57 pm (UTC)
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