Stephanie (wondrous2) wrote,
Stephanie
wondrous2

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A Letter

Dear Soul,

You are a wonderful being. You've helped me through many years of abuse and illness, and I greatly appreciate it; I'd be dead by now without you. Although my life has improved considerably, I still find it rather unsatisfying.

Sometimes I even think about ending my life. I've been through so much emotional turmoil that I can't take it anymore, and I shouldn't have to. If I were to experience any more physical or emotional pain, I probably wouldn't survive. I guess you could say I'm hanging from a thread... One more snip and I'd fall.

I was once a very spiritual being, but when I became really sick, I pretty much lost that part of myself, that deepest and most meaningful part of me. Now that I have myself back I feel good, but I don't feel as good as I want to. I need for things to change, but for the better this time. I don't want something horrible to happen to me in order for things to change.

I'm so sick of negative energy crushing me. I can't die this way. I do not like where my life is right now. I seem to be at a standstill. Although sometimes I feel that living a life which seems to be void of meaning is worse than major depression, at least when I'm depressed I'm going somewhere. I may be going to an early grave, but it's somewhere away from agony and the sense of living a meaningless life. This doesn't mean that I want to suffer another bout of depression, though.

I need to be somewhere else - not in this environment, not around these people, and not in this mental state. You really have to help me. I need some more liberation and guidance. I want to be happy and thrive. Currently, I'm not going anywhere. It's not that I'm not trying, because I really am, but how many times do I have to continue forcing myself to do certain things in order to get what I want and then not get it?

I know that my mindset isn't very healthy, but what am I supposed to do until I can get the appropriate help for that? I just don't know. It seems as if I'm floating towards some sort of apathetic depression, which would kill me. This feeling of helplessness makes me want to scream sometimes. I just want to live happily and peacefully.

I'm not sure what would be best for me right now, though. I mean, I know what would help me, but I can't get to it directly, and it feels like my time is running out. I'm hangin' in there. I'm not expecting my life to drastically change overnight, but shit...that'd be really awesome right about now!

Your physical extension,
Steph
Tags: hope, letters, life
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