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Wondrous Beauty
Living From Within
A Letter 
5th-Feb-2008 04:06 pm
Dear Soul,

You are a wonderful being. You've helped me through many years of abuse and illness, and I greatly appreciate it; I'd be dead by now without you. Although my life has improved considerably, I still find it rather unsatisfying.

Sometimes I even think about ending my life. I've been through so much emotional turmoil that I can't take it anymore, and I shouldn't have to. If I were to experience any more physical or emotional pain, I probably wouldn't survive. I guess you could say I'm hanging from a thread... One more snip and I'd fall.

I was once a very spiritual being, but when I became really sick, I pretty much lost that part of myself, that deepest and most meaningful part of me. Now that I have myself back I feel good, but I don't feel as good as I want to. I need for things to change, but for the better this time. I don't want something horrible to happen to me in order for things to change.

I'm so sick of negative energy crushing me. I can't die this way. I do not like where my life is right now. I seem to be at a standstill. Although sometimes I feel that living a life which seems to be void of meaning is worse than major depression, at least when I'm depressed I'm going somewhere. I may be going to an early grave, but it's somewhere away from agony and the sense of living a meaningless life. This doesn't mean that I want to suffer another bout of depression, though.

I need to be somewhere else - not in this environment, not around these people, and not in this mental state. You really have to help me. I need some more liberation and guidance. I want to be happy and thrive. Currently, I'm not going anywhere. It's not that I'm not trying, because I really am, but how many times do I have to continue forcing myself to do certain things in order to get what I want and then not get it?

I know that my mindset isn't very healthy, but what am I supposed to do until I can get the appropriate help for that? I just don't know. It seems as if I'm floating towards some sort of apathetic depression, which would kill me. This feeling of helplessness makes me want to scream sometimes. I just want to live happily and peacefully.

I'm not sure what would be best for me right now, though. I mean, I know what would help me, but I can't get to it directly, and it feels like my time is running out. I'm hangin' in there. I'm not expecting my life to drastically change overnight, but shit...that'd be really awesome right about now!

Your physical extension,
5th-Feb-2008 11:34 pm (UTC)
You are the sweetest person i know. I am sorry you are going through this.

"I'm so sick of negative energy crushing" I feel that way too.

6th-Feb-2008 04:38 am (UTC)
Thanks :-)
6th-Feb-2008 12:40 am (UTC)
There were so many years when what you wrote above would have *exactly* described how I felt!

I think you're right -- a change of setting and people can help you to a more positive, connected place. It can be a risky move, as we never know what is around the corner, and sometimes at least I feel so fragile that I am really afraid that I can't survive another failure.

Most of the time, though, at least in my experience, and especially in retrospect, the Devil I knew was much worse than the "Devil" I didn't know yet ;) .

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way,
6th-Feb-2008 06:19 am (UTC)
...the Devil I knew was much worse than the "Devil" I didn't know yet ;) .

Yeah, now that I think about it, I find that to be the case with me, too. lol Thanks :-)
6th-Feb-2008 06:47 pm (UTC)
*big hugs*
I'm so sorry that you feel this way right now, honey. I know what you mean about life feeling meaningless - though I have to admit that I don't feel that way ALL the time any more. I hope things get better for you SOON!!!

It's interesting, though, that you say you lost your spiritual part when things got really bad. For me, my most spiritual times (so far, anyway) have been when I've been at my worst... maybe it's a difference in Faith... I don't know!

*lots more hugs*
7th-Feb-2008 03:47 am (UTC)

I've always been more or less spiritual, but when I became depressed, my spirituality sort of disappeared...that was very weird. It was like I was dying or something. :-/
7th-Feb-2008 03:47 am (UTC)
i know what you mean a straw can break the camel's back. but if 1 more thing does break you, you will bounce back that much faster than the other times you have broken before, because you have done the work to get better in the meantime. you know from before that when you break it doesn't mean the end of the world. maybe it would for someone who had not been through what you have been through, but i think that you might find that the things you have been through have given you a strength that will surprise you and every time something like that happens you learn about yourself and come back stronger, even if it doesn't feel like it right away. accept that for the time being you might feel stressed, bad, depressed, whatever - you know you won't feel like it forever because forever doesn't exist. it's ok for you to feel crap for a while. anyway if you look closely you will see that there is a part of you that is inviolate and unbreakable. i know because i have it too and i recognise it in you. lots of love xoxox
7th-Feb-2008 03:54 am (UTC)
Aw thanks, babe!♥
I need to keep all that in mind. :-)
7th-Feb-2008 06:08 am (UTC)
so much of this i can relate to. i know how it feels to be stuck, to feel like major depression would be better than this in-between. but you can change things and you can work for something and this will change - one day we will both experience the fullness of life in ways that people who have not felt this emptiness cannot. we are blessed.
best of luck to you, i'm sure you can turn this around, you just have to do it. =)
7th-Feb-2008 08:22 am (UTC)
Thanks! Best of luck to you also♥
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