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Wondrous Beauty
Living From Within
Letting Go 
21st-Aug-2007 03:35 am
I'm gonna post a blog that my friends can see to let them know what's going on. As open as I am about many of my problems, I rarely speak about them with friends. Since they have an active role in my life why not tell them what's really going on? I tried telling them before, but I didn't know how to convey it in a way that they'd understand, not to mention that I was quite ill (and probably more or less dissociated) at the time when I tried to tell them, and since I'm in the process of recovering I'm gonna put it out there again. This time I'm not looking for any sympathy or even some sort of real acknowledgment. I don't want them to think that I'm trying to deceive them when, in fact, I only leave out the information that directly pertains to my illness for fear of some sort of rejection. I know for a fact that at least a few of them just don't want to deal with it (not that they really have to, but it is something that's affecting my life). Also, I want them to know in case something happens and I have to take off for a while. I don't want them to think that I'm dissin' them or whatever.

So, with that being said, I'm letting go of the *need* to withhold certain info just because some of the people in my life don't want to take me seriously. That's uncomfortable and I don't want to go through recovery like that. Now as far as telling some of my family goes, I'll sugar-coat it a bit just because I don't want to deal with those crazy bitches...lol. No, seriously, they're very fearful and want to brain-wash me into thinking in certain ways, and that's not where I need to go (especially since some of those ways helped to build the foundation of my illness in the first place). I'm in the process of recovering, and I would absolutely love to have a handful of supportive people at my side, but I understand that many people who currently have an active role in my life won't want to help me, and I'm fine with that. I just don't want to hear any negative shit about my life and my recovery process. I'm no longer in a mind-set to put up with such crap, so some people aren't gonna be in my life during this process...
21st-Aug-2007 11:39 am (UTC)
I don't think I can say anything to help as I'm a bit all over the place at the moment.

I know, however, how it is to not talk to your friends about your problems. I had what I thought was a really good friend. It took us a fair while to get going IRL and she was the one who first got me to open my LJ entries to people living in the same city as well. Before then I had these closed for everyone except LJ-friends from other countries. I'm still struggling with talking with others about my problems IRL and I still prefer to do so in writing, and if possible, in English.
21st-Aug-2007 10:48 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I prefer to do it in writing, too. My thoughts come out easier and I'm able to structure them in writing better than talking in person. I tried talking to my friends in person, but it wasn't so easy, so this time, I'm gonna tell them in writing, and I won't get into much detail about it when I do.

I know that it can be hard to express your thoughts in another language. I try to do so in Spanish from time to time, and it takes forever. >.< I haven't studied and practiced the language very long though.
22nd-Aug-2007 12:21 pm (UTC)
you deserve the support of your family and friends. maybe some of them really do want to help you with their opinions but they are brain-washed themselves. where it doesn't hurt me or isn't specifically designed to fuck with me i like engaging with other arguments because it helps me to clarify my own position and thoughts. you are doing so excellent!, you are doing the right thing. rock onnn. xoxox
23rd-Aug-2007 03:58 am (UTC)
Thanks! :P
22nd-Aug-2007 05:13 pm (UTC)
that is great, i am glad you are taking care of yourself like that. it's so important to only have people close to you who are supportive. it's hard but effective. best of luck.
23rd-Aug-2007 03:59 am (UTC)
Thanks, hun♥
22nd-Aug-2007 07:13 pm (UTC) - <3
I love you hon, I look forward to knowing more about you, and know that I'll always be supportive about anything you write.

I really hope what you're doing gives you genuine feelings of reconciliation and peace.
23rd-Aug-2007 04:08 am (UTC) - Re: <3
I was gonna post it in a Myspace blog since the people who I live around and hang out with are on there. When I was saying "my friends," I didn't mean you 'cause your more than a friend to me. And I don't feel the need to hold back personal info like that from you♥

Yeah, the thought of doing it gives me feelings of reconciliation and peace, so I know I'll feel better after I do it. :)
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