Stephanie (wondrous2) wrote,
Stephanie
wondrous2

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Thinking About School...

I really miss school. I've had dreams about being in school for the past several days, and that only makes it worse :(. I know that I can't go back until I'm well enough, but it seems like that'll take forever! When I go back to school, I wanna go full-time, but I'll probably want to start a family by then, too. Hell, I don't know, somehow all this shit is gonna have to work out, but it's been on my mind a lot.

Sometimes I wish that I could go back now, but I know that I'll end up withdrawing again. I'm just anxious about going back 'cause I love college life so much. It was horrible when I was there because I was so sick all the time, but other than that I was excited to be there. I enjoy learning and studying, but not when the chemicals in my brain go haywire.

I had major depressive disorder a year before I went off to school which was horrible, but I didn't think that my depression was that serious. When I was in school, I realized that I wasn't getting any better, so I went to therapy and started taking medication. Apparently, therapy didn't work and neither did two hospitalizations, and I ended up having a mental breakdown, dissociative episodes, panic attacks, and I started abusing a hypnotic sleep-aid and self-injuring. I couldn't take it anymore, so I left school. My parents didn't want to pay for it anyway.

I hated all that. When I came back to this hell-hold to live with my parents, I was sure that I was gonna kill myself. Another thing that I loved about being at school was the fact that my parents weren't near me. My parents are abusive, and that kind of hostility worried the crap outta me. After being at home for a while, I got a job, so that I could take care of all of my bills and get treatment. Well, treatment didn't go as planned and I ended up quitting that shitty job, but during this time at home, I got better :). I wasn't so depressed anymore, especially after my main abuser (my dad) moved out. Another thing that helped me get out of that damn depressive rut was a better support system (which April was a main part of) and a more accurate diagnosis- post-traumatic stress disorder. It took me a while to understand and accept that I had this disorder, but after it sunk in, my whole life made more sense, and it feels damn good to have a deeper understanding of my life.

I am very happy that I did go off to school when I did though. My mental breakdown and what not were bound to happen and if I would have stayed at home with my parents, then my whole family would have witnessed my severe bout of illness. I don't want to explain what would probably have happened...my parents don't believe in mental illnesses, but they do believe in beating the shit outta me when I'm "acting up." Now since everybody's older they're less physically abusive, but are still psychologically abusive. I don't like dealing with my parents, so of course I want to move out, but that probably won't be for another year or so. Things are a lot easier now, but damn, I can't wait to get outta here!

When I'm finally on my own, I'll love it, but I'll be scared, too. Currently, I worry that if I get sick again, I'll have to come back and live with my mom. If that happens, I'll probably kill myself 'cause I'm sick of this shit. Now if I have a wonderful support system when I move, then I should be good :). I guess that's what I worry about the most- being alone and not having anyone to support me. When I'm living on my own, I'll definitely be in treatment, but that's not enough. I'll need people who'll love me and be there with me, too.

I'll go back to school when I'm mentally and financially stable, but I don't want to go after I start my own family 'cause I'll most likely be busy with that and I don't want to start my own family later in my life because I kind of want my family fairly soon >_>. Man, I don't know! I guess the fact that I want to go to school for at least eight years doesn't help :S. Ah, fuck. I guess I'll figure all this shit out when I get there...
Tags: life, mi, plans, school
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