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Wondrous Beauty
Living From Within
Thinking About School... 
21st-Jul-2007 10:44 pm
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I really miss school. I've had dreams about being in school for the past several days, and that only makes it worse :(. I know that I can't go back until I'm well enough, but it seems like that'll take forever! When I go back to school, I wanna go full-time, but I'll probably want to start a family by then, too. Hell, I don't know, somehow all this shit is gonna have to work out, but it's been on my mind a lot.

Sometimes I wish that I could go back now, but I know that I'll end up withdrawing again. I'm just anxious about going back 'cause I love college life so much. It was horrible when I was there because I was so sick all the time, but other than that I was excited to be there. I enjoy learning and studying, but not when the chemicals in my brain go haywire.

I had major depressive disorder a year before I went off to school which was horrible, but I didn't think that my depression was that serious. When I was in school, I realized that I wasn't getting any better, so I went to therapy and started taking medication. Apparently, therapy didn't work and neither did two hospitalizations, and I ended up having a mental breakdown, dissociative episodes, panic attacks, and I started abusing a hypnotic sleep-aid and self-injuring. I couldn't take it anymore, so I left school. My parents didn't want to pay for it anyway.

I hated all that. When I came back to this hell-hold to live with my parents, I was sure that I was gonna kill myself. Another thing that I loved about being at school was the fact that my parents weren't near me. My parents are abusive, and that kind of hostility worried the crap outta me. After being at home for a while, I got a job, so that I could take care of all of my bills and get treatment. Well, treatment didn't go as planned and I ended up quitting that shitty job, but during this time at home, I got better :). I wasn't so depressed anymore, especially after my main abuser (my dad) moved out. Another thing that helped me get out of that damn depressive rut was a better support system (which April was a main part of) and a more accurate diagnosis- post-traumatic stress disorder. It took me a while to understand and accept that I had this disorder, but after it sunk in, my whole life made more sense, and it feels damn good to have a deeper understanding of my life.

I am very happy that I did go off to school when I did though. My mental breakdown and what not were bound to happen and if I would have stayed at home with my parents, then my whole family would have witnessed my severe bout of illness. I don't want to explain what would probably have happened...my parents don't believe in mental illnesses, but they do believe in beating the shit outta me when I'm "acting up." Now since everybody's older they're less physically abusive, but are still psychologically abusive. I don't like dealing with my parents, so of course I want to move out, but that probably won't be for another year or so. Things are a lot easier now, but damn, I can't wait to get outta here!

When I'm finally on my own, I'll love it, but I'll be scared, too. Currently, I worry that if I get sick again, I'll have to come back and live with my mom. If that happens, I'll probably kill myself 'cause I'm sick of this shit. Now if I have a wonderful support system when I move, then I should be good :). I guess that's what I worry about the most- being alone and not having anyone to support me. When I'm living on my own, I'll definitely be in treatment, but that's not enough. I'll need people who'll love me and be there with me, too.

I'll go back to school when I'm mentally and financially stable, but I don't want to go after I start my own family 'cause I'll most likely be busy with that and I don't want to start my own family later in my life because I kind of want my family fairly soon >_>. Man, I don't know! I guess the fact that I want to go to school for at least eight years doesn't help :S. Ah, fuck. I guess I'll figure all this shit out when I get there...
22nd-Jul-2007 04:55 am (UTC)
If I can avoid it, I'm going to try to finish school before starting a family, too...then again, I don't want a family anytime soon, so God willing it shouldn't be that hard :-p

Is going to school part-time an option for you?
22nd-Jul-2007 05:02 am (UTC)
I don't want to go part-time, but I guess I will if I have to. About having a family soon, I'd like to have a family sometime in my 20's (I'm 20 now), probably in my late 20's, but knowing my horny-ass I'll get knocked up in a few years XD, LOL! I guess I shouldn't say that...lol.
23rd-Jul-2007 11:55 am (UTC)
is there any special reason why having a family can't wait?

if you could get your eduction first it might set you up to be in a better financial position to support a growing family?
23rd-Jul-2007 04:05 pm (UTC)
A family could wait, I guess...
I think that the reason why I want a family so much is because I don't really have one now :/. I'm sure if I felt less alone, I wouldn't be so eager to have a family. I just worry about not having somebody who'll always be there for me.
23rd-Jul-2007 05:28 pm (UTC)
i think the best reason to have a family is because you believe you can provide a child with a good start to life and with all the tools necessary to make the most of life and protect themselves from the harm in it, even any harmful emotional issues that you might put on them as a parent. i don't think filling an emotional void is a good reason to have a child, but i might be biased, because my mother has used me a lot as someone who would always be there for her, and it has made things very difficult for me at times, when i needed to spend my time sorting out my own life. i do of course think that there are special benefits to having children in the great joy that kids can bring and the unique and very strong bonds of love that can be between parents and children, that makes having kids worthwhile. but at the same time, i definitely don't want you to stay feeling lonely for too long. but i think both you and your future kids might profit by a greater interval between now and their birth. but only you can know.
24th-Jul-2007 02:31 am (UTC)
I know what you mean. I doubt that I would overwhelm my family with my needs though 'cause I know how that feels. I'd hate to treat my future family the way my current family treats me. Normally, when I feel like I'm too much for someone, I tend to withdraw from them, and that's probably part of the reason why I don't really have anyone now. I'm gonna need treatment before I go back to school or start a family anyway.

I always liked the idea of a family, ya know? It's a comfy supportive circle of people who love each other unconditionally (well, in some families at least). I would love to be someone's wife- a best friend and lover, and I would love being a mom who protects and supports her babies with everything they want to do. I would also love to have people who will care and support me, too, but I wouldn't have a family just to take care of my personal emotional needs like that.

I think that when push comes to shove, I'll only have a family when I'm ready and I'll be able to care for them to the best of my abilities, but what if I'm never ready 'cause I can't get my life together? I worry about not having my own personal dreams fulfilled by a decent time in my life. I feel if my dreams aren't fulfilled, then I'm failing at life, and if I'm failing at life, I have no business having a family because I'll probably reproduce that abusive cycle that's in my family (but I'll probably be more negligent and withdrawn rather than physically abusive). I keep thinking that I will have many failed attempts at developing myself, and I don't want to be too old or incapable of having a family by the time I'm actually satisfied with myself.

I guess my biggest fear is staying sick forever and not being capable of making the best choices for myself- basically, not living a successful life :/. After my last severe bout of illness, I had to stop doing what I wanted to do and it seems like it might take forever for me to get back on my feet. I'm afraid that whole experience has really affected me :(
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