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Wondrous Beauty
Living From Within
Get It Off My Chest 
5th-Jul-2007 07:56 pm
oatmeal dinner
I've been meaning to write for the past few days, but I couldn't really get it out in words. I just know that I've been feeling pretty down lately. I don't know if I could really explain my feelings, but I know that I can explain what's goin' on around me...

I'm so tired. I'm tired of, like, everything. Physically and mentally I'm just tired. I've been through too much in the past few years (throughout my whole life, really), so now, I'm just trying to remain conservative with my energy; I'm learning what I need to do in order to be happy, and I don't want to waste my time on bullshit.

For the remainder of this week and next week I'll be completing applications like it's nobody's business. I applied to this one place quite a while ago and they have yet to call me. I'm really hoping that they'll call me soon since they're at the top of my list. I'm ready to "earn a living," as they say, not to mention that every five minutes a damn bill likes to show up and bite me in the ass, so of course I can't stay broke, lol. I need to stop focusing on the fact that I'm currently broke and focus on moving forward :).

My sister is currently employed and has been for a little over a month now, and already my greedy-ass, ignorant parents are expecting money from her. This is ridiculous! Do you know how much stress this is putting on her?! She really doesn't want this much pressure on herself and I don't want it on her either! I hate that my parents are doing this to her! She's been feeling so horribly lately and she's ready to give up. My sister's only 18 and works the graveyard-shift, for cryin' out loud! What the flippin' fuck?! These bastards have lost their flippin' minds, man. My parents are sooo irresponsible. I need not mention that when I'm working again, they expect money from me also. Me and Sis had a little discussion earlier today and we've decided that the excess expenses gotta go- the internet, Direct TV satellite, and whatever else we're definitely not paying for. This is bullshit, man...

I'm just trying to recover from all the crap I've been through. I'm scared, really. What if I get sick again? No one's gonna be there for me. Of course, I'll have LJ and e-mail, but I'm gonna need someone physically with me, too. Who will give me hugs and wipe my tears? I have post-traumatic stress disorder and I barely know how to deal with it. Yes, I'll be going to therapy as soon as I get the money, and in the meantime, I'll continue reading up on it. Geez, I'm tired.

I'm tired of all the negatives in my life, so I'm pushing those aside, or at least I'm in the process of doing so. I just want to be happy :).
Comments 
6th-Jul-2007 03:56 pm (UTC)
Good luck with the job search!

I'm scared, really. What if I get sick again?
I worry about this for myself, for a different reason. For a while, LJ was really all I had when I was dealing with depression and tough times (about 2 1/2 years ago). You're a cool person, so I think you'll find people IRL.
6th-Jul-2007 08:03 pm (UTC)
Thanks!

Yeah, LJ was all I really had, too. Since my mood greatly improved I don't feel so vulnerable and alone, but if I get sick again and don't have a good support system, then I probably wouldn't know what to do. It was pretty hard for me to find people IRL since I was so sick :/. Eh, I'll see what the future brings though. Thanks :)
7th-Jul-2007 07:32 pm (UTC)
Hey,

I totally get it if you're uncomfortable with it, but I find what you do with the positivity posts in the community to be an excellent idea and I admire you for doing this every day.

If you don't mind, I'd like to add you to my friends list...? :)
7th-Jul-2007 07:54 pm (UTC)
Aw, thankies
Adding! :)
7th-Jul-2007 07:58 pm (UTC)
Thanks!
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