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Wondrous Beauty
Living From Within
Just A Rant... 
4th-Aug-2006 04:45 pm
Water angel
I hate being mentally ill. There are times when I am unable to care for myself and it doesn't help when my parents tell me that nothing is wrong with me. They think that I'm just being overly-dramatic and that I want attention. I wish that they were more supportive and that they would stop criticising me.

My first year of college was a disaster. I couldn't concentrate, I was constantly suicidal, and my therapists (I saw more than one) couldn't help me. My dissociative problems started to get the best of me, so I decided to withdraw. I really hated that. I love school so much, but I just couldn't continue.

I told my psychiatrist and two of my therapists that I have withdrawn from school and that I wouldn't come back until I've gotten back on my feet. My psychiatrist apologized for not being able to help me and insisted that I go see a professional who is able to really help me, and that's what I plan to do.

My parents were upset with me when I told them I couldn't finish the school year. They still are upset with me. Do they think this is a fuckin' joke?!! I WILL go back to school! I just can't handle the distorted thinking patterns, the panic attacks in class, the suicide ideation, etc. I wish that everyone would either leave me alone or help me through this. "If you take a year off, then you'll never go back to school," is what everyone tells me. I know myself and I know that I will go back to school. I love developing my mind too much not to go back.

I wish that people who know nothing about me and my condition would leave me alone and go to hell.
Comments 
5th-Aug-2006 05:42 am (UTC)
Your parents sound like they could be related to my mom. She has for the longest time told me to quit faking my depression and looking for attention. I wish she could take on my life for a month, and see how she likes it when she is told exactly like she has told me all my life.

She told me when I began college, that I would never succeed much less finish a 4 year degree. WELL, I proved her wrong on both of those. Granted it took me 10 years to get a 4-year degree, I did it!!! Then she didn't believe me about getting a BA, I had to show her the diploma for her to finally believe what I was telling her.

Gee, what a pain.
6th-Aug-2006 01:47 am (UTC) - Awesome!
I remember when you told me this once. That's really nice to hear because sometimes I feel that something will happen and I will never go back to college.

It's nice to know that someone found her strength and was able to succeed despite what her mother said.
(Deleted comment)
8th-Aug-2006 03:16 am (UTC)
lol! Thanks :)
2nd-Sep-2006 07:33 am (UTC)
i wish i had taken time off school. instead, i just barely scraped through college. i don't feel like i learned a thing; i wasted the whole four years in a haze of self-loathing and social aniexty. i want to go to graduate school, but my grades are mediocre and i don't have any teacher recommendations because i was too unsure of myself to speak to them one on one ever. not to mention the fact that i have zero hands on experience in my field, which is essential for further study. i never tested my capacity to learn. like i said, i learned just enough to get b's and spent all the rest of my mental energy on obsessions and breakdowns and the daunting task of lying in bed in my dorm for days on end listening to brian eno.

let yourself get strong before you go back to school, you won't regret it. being able to go to school can be a goal to look forward to.
2nd-Sep-2006 08:41 am (UTC)
Thanks :)
I really appreciate you saying all this.

I do look forward to going to school, and I get a little sad when everyone says that they're going to school...without me! *sniff, sniff*

What was your concentration or major, if you don't mind my asking?
2nd-Sep-2006 09:04 am (UTC)
modern literature. i loved and still love it. if i do make it to grad school it will be in that vein.
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