LJ Therapy


Long time, no write. I'm too depressed to write, I assume. Anyway, I've been receiving hypotherapy, which is lovely (especially since all I have to do is just lay there). Therapy's been good. I go twice a week, and I feel some progress. The funny thing is we haven't touched my traumatic past at all. We're building strength and confidence right now, so when we do the trauma work, I won't freak out or get dissociated. Dissociation is a bitch, by the way.

Well, I've transferred back to bakery, so I'm happy that I'm not working in Logistics in that freezing cold freezer. I couldn't tolerate that nor the ETL over Logistics. My therapist and Target's disability team helped me get out of that damn department. Bakery is tons better now that we have a new team leader. I left because of the last bitch. The new team leader was the previous baker, who I really like and enjoy working with. Awesome. The new ETL can kiss my ass, though. He hasn't been hovering over the department lately, so I don't haven any current complaints about him.

I don't stress as much as I used to. I have therapy and exhaustion to thank for that. You get tired of people trying to take advantage of you, and fighting back is even more tiring. I go to work, make a plan, get things done, and leave (mostly on time!) I used to pretty much pull double-shifts in order to get things done, and the list of things to do seemed to never end! I hated that. Now everything is cool and more relaxed for me at work. It's sort of like that at home, too. Well, I don't get as angry as I used to get. I try to let things go. My family's dysfunctional and I've accepted that. It sucks, but I won't have to deal with it much longer.
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    Resource Center
Rose Death

Dissociation on Top of All Things

I go back to work on Monday. My leave was approved, which took some of the stress away. Late Thursday night (more like early Friday morning) I had a bit of a breakdown, which set me back. My dissociative disorder is running rampant again - actually, it never stopped. :-( The reason why I haven't fully processed those memories I used with EMDR is because I dissociated. I have to stabilize and then begin working with EMDR again. Not surprisingly, I have to re-process those memories because none of them really processed the first time. Damn dissociation. I wonder if my former therapist could have seen this...

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Leave of Absence

I'm tired. I was cake decorating all day yesterday, which was awesome! I didn't have to worry about deadlines, cake orders for guests, or upper-management trying to piss me off. I had a relaxing, stress-free day yesterday. :-) Today wasn't bad either, although I was working in my usual department, Logistics. I think what made it easier was knowing that I could only work six hours today (to avoid overtime), because usually my boss expects me to stay much longer. Between working in the Bakery and Logistics department, I only had one day off this week, so that's why I'm tired. I'm not complaining, though!

I'm thinking about taking a personal LOA (leave of absence) from work. Work sucks and so does my personal life, so I need some time to figure things out. I only want thirty days off; I can't afford anything longer than that (I can barely afford that, really). My family is having some serious financial issues, which I can't be apart of, so I may have to live in a shelter for a while. My mom may have to let the apartment go, but I have to let her go. She and my dad are seriously hindering my progress in therapy, so it would be in my best interest to get the hell away from their abusive asses. So, you can see why I would need some time off.
Seasonal-snow tree


Why is it snowing? Oh, that's right - I live in the Chicagoland area. Great. Just when the rain finally dissolved the last remaining bit of the blizzard.

Anyway, I looking at classes for the Fall semester! I will only do part-time because I need to work. I will probably take two or three credited courses and one or two non-credited courses. I don't know yet - I'm still thinking about it. My last experience with school was horrible, so I'm a little afraid to go back, but I will slowly ease into it.

If I'm still at Target, then I could work 4am to 8am and go to school. Realistically, I don't think I'm going to be able to leave Target anytime soon. If the economy improves drastically by then, then I'm outta there! I'm looking for a new job now, but I'm not having much luck. I tried to transfer back to the bakery department since some improvements have been made, but the executive over the department said that he doesn't really need me anymore (he asked me a while ago if I would consider transferring back). I find that a little hard to believe because he asks me to pick up a shift or two every week. Seriously?
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    Raining Men - Rihanna
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Seasonal-snow tree

Vacations Are Good!

Back from my nine-day vacation. I stayed at the Whitehall hotel for a week. It was lovely. :-) I stayed another night due to that damn blizzard. I went to the movies to see Black Swan, which was good, dined out at a few restaurants, went to a spa, and just simply enjoyed myself. I plan to take another vacation in six months or so. Also, I have to plan to go to Colombia next year to visit my lovely amiga, Johanna (yojism). Hopefully my Spanish is better by then.

I see a new therapist now. She seems nice. :-) Hopefully she's my last one, 'cause starting over with a new therapist is too time-consuming for me. I liked my last one, but she wasn't available for working with me. This new one, Rebecca, does EMDR, hypnosis, and dream work. Very interesting... We'll see how this goes. :-)

Vacation in Chicago!!!

I sooo need this vacation! At first I was gonna stay at home, away from my job, but all these wonderful ideas have popped into my head... I live less than twenty miles from Chicago and I don't have enough money to travel out somewhere, so I'll go downtown and spoil myself rotten! I'm gonna stay in a hotel for about four days, get a 4hr spa treatment, go to the movies, and eat like a pig! I don't really need to go sight-seeing since I've pretty much seen everything already. lol I just need a break from work and from living at home. I feel at peace knowing that my vacation's coming at the end of the month. :-)
Distant Friend-green

Symptoms and Indifference

I've been feeling better since my last post, but I'm still down. I'm beginning to feel indifferent and ineffective. I'm really not enjoying my life right now. I give up.

I'm having nightmares and bad dreams again. During my course of treatment with EMDR I was regularly having nightmares and bad dreams, but I haven't had an EMDR session within the past six months. The dreams stopped before I stopped going to therapy. The dreams started again within the last week. Also, I haven't been sleeping well for the past few months or so.

Work sucks. My boss told me to do something impossible yesterday, so I clocked out and went home. I don't have the time nor the energy to deal with any more bullshit. He's gonna ask what happened and I'll tell him, but the issue won't get fixed. It's difficult to be in a situation where management doesn't want to fix serious issues. My last boss was fired, and there's not a doubt in my mind that this fucker will get fired as well. I'm just going with the flow until I find a better place to go. There's nothing else for me to do in these situations other than to leave. I will talk to my Human Resources Manager when I get the chance, but I don't expect anything to improve by doing that. My HR manager is wonderful and seems to do his job really well, but I just want to vent and leave the situation. I just don't care anymore. I'm tired and through with this. Maybe I could change my work-schedule so I would have to deal with my boss less often.
Distant Friend-grey


I gotta be honest... I've been feeling rather depressed. Not 'a little down on my luck' depressed, but 'close to feeling suicidal' depressed. I stopped seeing my therapist almost six months ago, and I plan to see another one in January. I thought I was handling things well, but I guess I'm not.

My work-life has been stressing me out, my home-life has been stressing me out, and my inability to be happy is stressing me out. I feel myself giving up on things. I've done NaNoWriMo for the past two years and managed to win, but this year I quit at 21k. Although NaNoWriMo is just a silly little writing adventure, I couldn't even do that. I'm going to try to get a new job, but it wouldn't make much of a difference. I'm not qualified to do anything else other than retail, so my chances of getting something new is shot. For two years I have tried to get something new, but I ended up in the same place - just a different location. Do I really need to mention why my home-life sucks? My life just sickens me at this point. Everything about it sickens me.

Writer's Block: Father nature

In three words, describe what's currently running through your mind.

I can't remember how old I was exactly... five, six, seven? I don't think I was seven yet and I couldn't have been five... maybe I was five...? Anyway, every now and then my dad would pick me up from school and we would walk home. My house was only a few blocks away from the school. One day when Daddy came to pick me up, we were joking around and he asked me if I wanted to race the rest of the way home. Hell yeah, I wanted to race! I loved to run! We ran down the block and I beat him to the house! He kept telling me that I had cheated. lol I always knew that he let me win, but it felt good regardless. lol That's one of my fondest memories of me and my Dad. :-)

At this point, though, we're not really speaking to one another.