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Wondrous Beauty
Living From Within
Writer's Block: Back to the future 
18th-Apr-2010 02:38 pm
excuse me to hell
If you were 12 and could see yourself now, do you think you'd be happy or disappointed, and why?


Honestly, my 12-year-old self would be highly disappointed and become depressed.

I was 12 about 10 years ago, and I expected myself to at least have a 4-year degree, to be living on my own, and to be married and thinking about children by now. I'm so far from that - it's not even funny. I have absolutely no idea when I'm going back to school, 'cause I don't feel secure enough to go back, not to mention that I have absolutely no money for tuition or any school expenses; I couldn't live on my own with the little pay I earn and all my huge medical expenses; and as far as guys are concerned, I'm a nun. No goodies for anyone, 'cause I just don't wanna be bothered. Hell, this damn Zoloft (that I'm weaning myself off of) has killed my ability to enjoy sex or masturbation, so I couldn't really care less right now.

Ten years from now, though, I believe that I'll be much better off. :-) If not, then this is some bullshit... lol
Comments 
19th-Apr-2010 01:10 am (UTC)
hang in there, you are doing great. lots of love xox
19th-Apr-2010 01:32 am (UTC)
how is the psychoanalysis going?
21st-Apr-2010 05:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you :-)

I actually haven't seen my therapist in a couple of weeks or so. Mostly due to money issues and no longer having health insurance. I'm getting off Zoloft and will no longer see my psychiatrist. I'm not sure if the Zoloft is actually working or not anyway. I'm trying to make an appointment with my therapist for next week, but she hasn't called to confirm yet.

EMDR is weird as usual. It's very helpful, but I don't feel as though it's enough... I don't know if there's something I should do or something my therapist should do. Maybe I'm just not used to EMDR. Well, I noticed that once I started EMDR therapy I stopped expressing my thoughts in writing and I constantly have bad dreams. Sometimes I don't know if I'm getting better or worse. It's all very odd to me.
22nd-Apr-2010 01:50 am (UTC)
but dude, why not regular therapy, where you talk about your past, and your problems and how to deal with them? if you just talked more about your past would you remember more of it anyway? xoxox
23rd-Apr-2010 04:42 pm (UTC)
I do both. Actually, you can't just get EMDR without the regular talk-therapy. Traumatic memories are thought to stay stuck in your mind, unconnected with normal memories. EMDR is supposed to help you process and connect the traumatic memories with the normal ones. The traumatic memories suck, not only because they're horrifying, but because you can't respond to their triggers in a healthy way. You continue to feel and react to the triggers the same way did when you first experienced the traumatic event. Talking helps, but EMDR helps you progress much more quickly than other talk therapies.
23rd-Apr-2010 10:25 pm (UTC)
cool. sorry x
25th-Apr-2010 07:15 pm (UTC)
No need for an apology, my friend!
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