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Wondrous Beauty
Living From Within
28th-Dec-2008 05:46 pm
Life is wearing me out; I'm tired as hell. I'm getting by, though. For the past few weeks I've been reading a bunch of self-help books and working on the exercises in them. I was reading a lot on spirituality, but now I'm working on the PTSD and the other problems. I've been learning a lot, so we'll see how this goes.

I'm exhausted in more ways than one. I don't feel like socializing with friends or family, I don't feel like leaving the apartment, I don't feel like taking care of myself, I don't feel like doing shit. I'm just sooo tired. Life has beaten the shit outta me, and I'm not too sure if I can properly function at this point. I can't say that I'm enthusiastic about living. I'm not suicidal, but I'm not exactly surviving either. I think I'm depressed. Not clinically depressed, though. I refuse to get to that point again.

My sleep schedule is so retarded. A little while ago I was up during the night and slept during the day, but I was okay with that. Now I just sleep...whenever. It's like some days I have insomnia and others I have hypersomnia, which is weird 'cause I've never had hypersomnia. Hell, I took a nap this morning and now I want to go back to sleep, and I think I will. I probably need a doctor or something. I've been feeling dizzy, tired, and weak for the past couple of months or so. I've been having digestive problems and have been getting sick a lot, too. *sigh* I'm going to bed.
29th-Dec-2008 02:29 am (UTC)
I can really relate to that at the moment :x

I hope you're feeling better soon.
30th-Dec-2008 12:45 am (UTC)
Thanks. I hope you'll feel better soon, too. :-)
(Deleted comment)
30th-Dec-2008 12:47 am (UTC)
*hugs back*
Thanks, hun. :-)
29th-Dec-2008 06:59 am (UTC)
It could be depression, but perhaps you should get a regular checkup at the 'family' doctor? Just to be sure.

If you learned anything really useful dealing with PTSD I hope you'll share. My pdocs/therapists never let me deal with the PTSD for some reason. But now I'm doing so much better.

Hugs & hope you feel better soon!!!!!!
30th-Dec-2008 05:12 am (UTC)
That's odd. :-/ Why wouldn't they want to deal with the PTSD?

I haven't learned many useful skills for dealing with it yet, but I learned some important things about it and myself.

I believe, as do others, that growing up, or living in a seriously troubled or dysfunctional family or similar environment often brings about or is associated with PTSD. The PTSD is said to be more damaging and more difficult to treat if: (1)the traumas occur over a prolonged period of time, e.g., longer than six months; and especially so if (2) the traumas are of human origin; and if (3) those around the affected person tend to deny the existence of the stressor or the stress. --Dr. Charles L. Whitfield (Healing the Child Within)

Reading that serves as a validation for me and it makes me feel less like all this is my fault. Needless to say, I still blame myself for some things. I'm still learning the reasons why I have it.
30th-Dec-2008 06:46 am (UTC)
They thought I was to weak, or untreatable, or something ~ I dunno. That at least was their reason explained to me.

I found that my most difficult thing with PTSD was how their abuse changed me. How my families behavior changed me. How they stole my sexuality for instance. I have recently (the last 6 months) come to the realization that I am me, and always will be me ~ with my personality ~ no mater what people do to me. I own every part of me. I am every part of me. I will always be me. And that was very comforting.

So the spirits have been working where the therapists would not :)
29th-Dec-2008 12:51 pm (UTC)
if you need a dr get a dr. especially if the only reason you're not going to the black place is because you refuse to recognise that's where you're going.

do something! anything! get a routine job stacking supermarket shelves, until something better comes up. go for a walk around your neighbourhood every day and learn about the plants you see in people's front yards. offer to walk a neighbour's dog for free daily. you are worth the effort. do something!

lots of love. love love love. xoxox
30th-Dec-2008 05:15 am (UTC)
Thanks, love. :-)

I walked down the street today, which was nice. lol And there's a job fair next month that I plan to go to. That should help.
30th-Dec-2008 06:48 am (UTC)
Have you ever thought about getting into the IT profession? I think you would do good in the design/webdesign field.
1st-Jan-2009 07:18 pm (UTC)
Really? I never really thought about it. I probably would be good at it. :-)
1st-Jan-2009 03:55 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry.

Me, too. Just me, too.

1st-Jan-2009 07:19 pm (UTC)
*huggles you*
3rd-Jan-2009 08:18 pm (UTC)
Hi honey, just dropping by to say thanks for the Xmas card and the bookmark that you sent! :) Very thoughtful of you!

Sorry to hear that life isn't going well for you - I don't really know what to say, so *hugs*
4th-Jan-2009 03:37 am (UTC)
You're welcome :-)
And *hugs back*
4th-Jan-2009 01:22 pm (UTC)
I am sorry you are feeling low. I agree about getting out. Make yourself. I hope you find a job. What about on-line schooling? Do you have family members who can help you. Someone that will help you go see a doctor? I know you should do some things for yourself but sometimes you just have to have someone to make you do things since all you want to do is sleep. I hope things get better. This is a new year and a new beginning. Make it a good one. Start by seeing a doctor. You seem to be pretty smart so I am sure you can figure out how to get out of this rut. Reading is great. I read books also when my daughter was said to have this and that. It was mind confusion with all of those books. Good luck. Take one day at a time....

5th-Jan-2009 01:13 am (UTC) - Hola
Comprendo tus sentimientos, espero puedas encontrar ayuda, y alivio a tu situacion.
En mi caso, yo tengo mucha depresión y está relacionada con el abuso y maltrato en mi niñez, trabajo lentamente en esto.
Te envio un abrazo y sigue adelante, se que algun dia estaras sana.
Deseo pàra ti en este año nuevo cosas hermosas
5th-Jan-2009 05:26 am (UTC) - Re: Hola
Gracias, mi amiga. :-)

Mi depresión está relacionada con el abuso maltrato en my niñes también. Actualmente tengo trastorno de estrés postraumático. Tengo libros para ayudarme ahora, y cuando obtengo el dinero, iré a un doctor.
5th-Jan-2009 03:33 pm (UTC) - Re: Hola
I am sorry, I don't know spanish.
5th-Jan-2009 06:22 pm (UTC) - Re: Hola
Sorry, she tried to reply to my post and accidentally replied to your comment. :-)
5th-Jan-2009 05:19 am (UTC)
Thanks. :-) That's a good idea. I recently found out that someone in my family goes to group therapy, so maybe I could talk to her and see if she would be willing to help me in some way.
5th-Jan-2009 12:39 pm (UTC)
Me alegro, sabes?
No es facil enfrentar este tipo de depresion, se requiere mucho coraje y valor.
Yo trato de buscar una solucion a mi depresion, y creeme he llegado a pensar cosas absurdas en medio de mi depresion y ansiedad, hay momentos en mi vida que estopy llena de entusiasmo, y otros en que no deseo vivir.
Creo que es posible ser feliz, vale la pena luchar por esto.
Un abrazo desde Bogota Colombia
5th-Jan-2009 07:24 pm (UTC)
Yo también. :-)

Creo que hay una solución a la depresión. Quizás es difícil a librarse de la depresión, pero es posible si se cree es posible, y debe ser una experiencia de la aclaración. :-)
5th-Jan-2009 11:07 pm (UTC)
Si, todo lo que la mente cree se hace realidad.
para mi el problema es dejar de creer que no merezco cosas buenas
6th-Jan-2009 03:24 am (UTC)
Sí, sí, comprendo. Siento a veces que la vida me está castigando. Quiero una buena vida, pero siento que no puedo tenerla. Es difícil... Yo creo que puedo tener una vida maravillosa, pero a veces las pensamientos de desesperación luchan con esta creencia.
6th-Jan-2009 11:52 am (UTC)
Sí, te entiendo, a mi me ocurre algo muy similar, deseo tener una vida buena, tener a mis hijos conmigo, y tener una esposa, pero siento que por ser homosexual, no merezco nada bueno.
Y aveces creo que puedo tener una vida fabulosa, pero al igual, mis sentimientos negativos y mi depresión son muy fuertes.
Gracias por compartir tus sentimientos conmigo, mucho animo, y mucha suerte.
6th-Jan-2009 09:19 pm (UTC)
Gracias por tus comentarios, chica. :-) Me gusta hablar contigo♥

Creo que tu mereces muchas cosas buenas. Las personas que tienen el amor en sus corázones tienen mucha valor. Y tienes mucha valor. :-)
6th-Jan-2009 11:08 pm (UTC)
Si creo que si merezco muchas cosas buenas, y pienso que tu tambien mereces vivir bien.
creo que tu eres una mujer muy valiosa, y sabes?
Creo qeu tu sanaras, y seras una mujer muy feliz!!, tengo este presentimiento!!
6th-Jan-2009 11:35 pm (UTC) - ¡Gracias!
¡Entonces, somos mujeres afortunadas! ;-D

¡Bailámos! jejeje :-D

Edited at 2009-01-06 11:36 pm (UTC)
6th-Jan-2009 11:39 pm (UTC) - Re: ¡Gracias!
Si, creo que si..
y bueno, bailemos,je,je,e
(Deleted comment)
8th-Jan-2009 11:39 pm (UTC)
Thanks, hun. :-)
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